Vote for me and I'll set you free!

I wrote this in November, 2012. I did not update it in November 2016 for the following reasons: 

1.   I refuse to acknowledge that Son of a Bitch as anything more than a common criminal.
2.   My platform, "promise everything, then go on vacation" ain't gonna change.  
3. I don't wanna. 
4. You can't make me. 

Here's the deal I have for U the Peeps. November, 2012

*************

After giving the matter barely a thought, I have decided that I will not be a candidate, nor will I accept your nomination to run for President of the United States.  It's a lousy gig and I have a better idea …

I’m running for King of the Puddle.  As we know, the Last Great Puddle King was Yertle, the Turtle of Seussian legend, famously deposed for crushing the back of a middle of the pack hack named Mack, who subsequently commenced p'in and moanin' long and loud enough to cause Yertle to do a full Humpty down into the muck where he resides to this very day.

 To avoid a fall like that of the mighty Yertle this is an inclusive campaign that's all about you, not me.  The way this works is that if you vote for me, you’re in with the in crowd and our share is always the biggest around. That means you, and you, and you. See those folks perched off to the side afraid that they’re out?  Well, they’re in too.

And them 3 ornery dudes always a-settin’ over yonder, peering ‘round the corner, twirlin’ handlebar mustaches, spinnin’ Colt revolvers and fillin’ spittoons with tabacky juice whilst figgerin’ out how to make off with the loot? They're in too. (That oughter get me the red lands vote from the Black Hills territories clear down San Antone way).

The Doctrine of Mitt the Willow teaches that three days before an election is much too soon for me to tell you what I plan to do to  for you when I am King.  

However, I am prepared to make any promise to convince you that you will get exactly what you want from me even if what you think you want is completely different from what you’re actually going to get.

The Hope and the Promises list of things I am going to do to you on Day One of my reign:

1.     I promise to be god good.

2.    I will rename the “defense budget” the “Just in Case We Think There is a Chance We Might Ever Want to Go to War Again Budget.” I will then take our last remaining bayonet, use it to shred the military budget to teeny tiny bits and leave just enough in the nuclear stockpile to blow up the world only one time. 
Then, I'm gonna take Dwight Dead Eisenhower-aim at the military-industrial complex. That will make them really MAD and I’ll dare them to fire back with whatever pop guns they have left. 

2.   To protect manufacturing jobs and the environment, I will require the munitions industry, currently under economic seige caused by ending too many wars, to manufacture those groovy new eco-friendly bullet casings that reduce the amount of lead leaking from spent bullets lying on battlefields around the world.  From now on, we're shootin' Green!

3.   I will reduce the trade deficit by telling the Chinese that from now on we are only selling them Coca-Cola, MacDonald’s and Marlboros and we’re only paying them for take-out. No tipping either.

4.     I’m gonna take a big pile of dough-re-me and pour it into real cool stuff like books and schools so that our youngsters are learning things like readin’ and writin’ and ‘rithmetic; even algebra and fractions too, to make them even smarter than we are so that they can fix the things we don’t get around to. 
Gonna give ‘em all longer school days too, so they can learn about things like literature - guys like Billy the Shakes and painters like Michael Angels and other smart old dudes like them. 

5.   I'm passing  a constitutional amendment forbidding anyone from seeking public office who cannot pass a basic civics exam like the one every immigrant takes to become a citizen (hear me callin’ to ya Moonbat Bachman?)

6.    I’m gonna take a big pile of gun dough since we don't need it and shower it on our vets, elderly, poor, sick and hungry. Because I’m King Puddle, all filibusters and debates over how we’re going to do this are forever banned. To paraphrase President Obama, (who I am sure will cooperate since I will outrank him), “Just do it. You have 15 minutes to figure it out.”

(Time out). 

You may have noticed that I seem to be assuming that President Obama will remain our President for four more years. Well, yeah I am. 
Why? Because my plan calls for a reallocation of resources and if that Hugh Beaumont looking fella, Mitt, has his way, he’s going to want to keep everything for himself and his very rich friends. Mitt's a square peg in a round hole and it looks like things just aren't going to work out between us so, he's out. Don’t worry friends of Mittens.  He still has a critical role to play in my new world order which is after all, all about you). 

(Time in).

Did I hear someone say, "What am I gonna do about taxes?"  Well, folks, now that I’m a monarch, I know all about Wally Mondale’s Gateway to Defeat which states that We the Bosses never, ever tell you serfs the truth about taxes. But I know you folks are the right kind of people so I’m going to be perfectly frank. Ask me about taxes and I’m going to lie to ya. That's how it goes. 
Trust me. Everything is gonna come up roses for you and naturally, for me. If, by the end of my first day on the throne, the numbers don't add up, chalk it up to bribes, theft and the cost of doing business. 

You may be saying to yourself right about now that this all sounds just Jim Dandy, but you want a cherry on the sundae. Well, brothers and sisters, have I got one for you. 

Give me your vote and each and every one of you will have ice cream sandwiches every day for now and forever.  That's a big "get" for you since ice cream sandwiches are my favorite vegetable. I love them even more than cake, cookies or candy so if you prefer any of these to what I am offering, this King insists you step through the looking glass to be judged by The Queen of Hearts.

You may be wondering how this stuff is going to work. Simple. I’m going to appoint Mittens (I'm all-inclusive, remember?) as Minister of The Deep Freeze. He’s going to round up every other frozen soul he knows who can make a shaky buck and they’re going to drive trucks loaded with Good Humor through every rich, middle and (Heavens to Megatroid) poor neighborhood in this fair land of ours to deliver you folks your fair share of  ice cream.

Well? Are you with me people?!?  I feel your support lifting me higher and higher above you. 

All signs all point to victory. Two days to go and my opponent remains unannounced and undeclared. Yertle remains stuck in the mud. Final polls show I have a unanimous and practically insurmountable lead of 2-0. (that would be me and my Mom, whose vote I always keep in my back pocket in case of emergency.)

So, vote for me and I'll set you free. And remember people, I’m only doing this for you! 

Update:
(Private note to self:  Y’know, the way things are going, I may not need their votes after all. If I win, why share my ice cream with any of them? Why not keep it all for myself? I better get a memo ready for Mittens just in case.) 

MEMO:

TO: Willow:

FROM: Ruler: 

All instructions to redistribute the wealth of ice cream to little people are hereby rescinded. Deliver all such treats to me forthwith. Proceed immediately with Operation Trickle Down (a/k/a, Me! Me! Me!)  If any of the ice cream should leak on you, taking the starch out of your shirt,just tell them you did it to prop up the dry cleaning business. Do not send the bill to this address and, under no circumstances, divulge the contents of this memo to anyone named Mack. That is all.
November 4, 2012

PS I was only foolin'. 

What I really believe in is: 

I believe the Constitution is a dynamic, as opposed to a static document, and should be interpreted to meet modern circumstances. 

I do not believe the Second Amendment is sacrosanct. 
I support meaningful and significant gun safety legislation, slashing the military budget and streamlining the military. I oppose nuclear proliferation, munitions manufacturers and war profiteers and support curbing economic colonialism and exploitation. 

I support a voluntary national service program that is oriented towards education, not military service, and the revitalization of a domestic peace corps. 

I support criminal justice reform that ends massive incarceration and the present goal of retribution with that of rehabilitation.

I support equal pay for equal work, family leave, and massive investments in childhood education and job training. I believe in universal health care and a single payor system. 

I support environmental science and engineering to create solutions to climate change. 

And lots of other good stuff like that.


And folks, we're going to do all those things on my very first day on the throne. And it's going to be so great. So great. You just wait and see. So great. (Thank you. Thank you.)