From the Doctor's first slap on the ass, most of us learn from the School of Hard Knocks. A chosen few are born on the Street of Dreams. Some dive onto the Bourbon Street beat while others linger on the Boulevard of Broken Dreams. Me? Well shucks. Guess'n I l'arned what I know'ed out on the prairies, up in the mountains and down in the gullies of mah television screen whare ah l'arned it all from these hombres who show'd this tenderfoot the ropes, when I rode the Western Plains.
When my dear friend AB revealed to the world that Chuck Conners and James Arness were the first objects of her grade school affections and that all these years later, she still couldn't choose one over the other, it was time to size 'em up for her. This one's for you, AB
I hear tell them Hollywood folk are a-fixin’ to make a new moving pi’ture 'bout the ol’
Lone Ranger. Some jaspser name o’ Dipp and a tenderfoot whippersnapper goes by Arm and Hammer is pretendin’ to be Tonto and Lone. Well, spit in the spittoon if that don’t beat all get out.
Now, I ain’t a-seed the
flick yet, but as a stoodent of the Wild West I kin tell y’all fer sure there
ain’t no way on the goldarn salt o’ this earth that Dipp feller can out-
thespian Jay Silverheels, no matter how meshugana he looks. As for Arm and Hammer, I gotta 'fess up that Clayton Moore (bless his soul) may not have been so hot in the actin’ department but, like the seventh
son of the seventh son, there's only one Lone Ranger - and that podner, is Clayton Moore! Heigh-ho Silver,
away!
Of all the heroes and legends Hollywood has ever spoon fed the American public, the bravest, most valiant, honorable, true and simply fabulous was obviously The Lone Ranger.
Oh sure, there was Hoppy and Roy, but one had grey hair and the other was married - two things that no 8 year old boy could possibly fathom. Then, the celluoid myth makers began issuing licenses to kill and heroes were never so pure again. As for Lone's claim as top cowpoke hero, consider:
He had the best opening theme, coolest horse and compelling back story (he really was the last Ranger, y'know).
He owned his own silver mine so he never had to get a job, never ran out of bullets and never had to reload his six-shooters - which really helped since he never hit the varmints he was shooting at - he only shot the guns out of their hands. Not only that, but he had two six shooters that he could draw faster with either hand than anyone else in the old West and he did it while wearing leather gloves even in the summer heat (to keep from leaving finger prints, I suppose), and, as if that don't beat all get out, he could spin them pistols back into his holsters without even looking! Now that's great acting!
Lone was so courteous that he always wore a mask just so that we wouldn't know he was really Clayton Moore. He never swore, drank or kissed someone else's gal (or any other for that matter). He never used slang and was addicted to proper English and formal enunciation. Wotta gennelmun!
And then there was the ever faithful, ever true, ever reliable and forever dignified Tonto. That is, Jay Silverheels - a real and true Indian - even if his real name was Harold J. Smith.
And Silver! Now Trigger was pretty great too and I never did see the bad guy that he and Roy couldn't run down, but Silver was so fast that ya always had to be a'feard ol' Lone was gonna catch up to those bullets he was shooting at the opening of every show. And that whole Kimmosabe* (sp?) business! Even if you didn't have Google and couldn't look it up, you just knew what it meant by watching the way Lone and Tonto, Silver and Scout never failed to rescue each other, no matter the odds or what kind of pain in the ass it was . Anything to tame the Wild West! (*The word means, "trusted scout".)
Of course, every hero has flaws and in Lone's case, I s'pose it was that he never changed his clothes. On the other hand, that was a pretty common failing among every Western hero ever, with the exception of brothers, Bret and Bart Maverick, which, in their dandified case, made complete sense.
But the real topper was THE CREED! I mean who else has a CREED? And what a CREED it was! It went like this:
The Lone Ranger's Creed:
"I believe that to have a friend, a man must be a friend.
That all men are created equal and that everyone has within himself the power to make this a better world.
That God put the firewood there but that every man must gather and light it himself.
In being prepared physically, mentally, and morally to fight when necessary for that which is right.
That a man should make the most of what equipment he has.
That 'This government, of the people, by the people and for the people' shall live always.
That men should live by the rule of what is best for the greatest number.
That sooner or later ... somewhere ... somehow ... we must settle with the world and make payment for what we have taken. That all things change but truth, and that truth alone, lives on forever.
In my Creator, my country, my fellow man." One couldn't ask more of a fictional hero, let alone a real live one - which, is, of course, precisely what ol' Lone was. A real live, actual and true hero ... and a fabulous individual!
And so, return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear .... The Lone Ranger rides again! Hi-ho Silver, away!
Enter the Lone Ranger
PS If you got this far, let me know how it came out. Thrilling or not, I sure don't have time to spend on all those yesteryears. June 28, 2012
But he wasn't without certain flaws, like the fact that his gun had 87 bullets in it but he never seemed to be able to hit anyone. Because Roy couldn't shoot straight, he had to make his hoss, Trigger, run the bad guys down so he could jump off and roll down the hill before knockin' the offending hombres out with the ol' lefty-righty, ones-y; two-sy.
Hey, I even overlooked the fact that he had a wife (huh?), sang dopey songs and had Trigger stuffed and mounted (a rather solipsistic thing to do to a friend, I might add).
For the seven year old life of me I could never figger out how a real cowpoke had a friend who drove a car. When did the western frontier disappear? It must have happened while I was in front of the TV, because I sure missed it.
But what always surprised me the most about Roy was that when in a tight spot, he wasn't above a little dirty fighting to save the day, as evidenced by this gun in the hat trick - a character flaw I was and remain perfectly willing to overlook as long as he tells me where I can buy one of them!
Many lives changed that fateful day Bret Maverick whupped The Man With No Name and followed it up by gunning down John Wesley Hardin in the streets of The Warner Brothers film lot.
First, let's get one myth straight: there is no way on earth that Chuck Connors could have possibly run away at Bitter Creek 'cause anyone with a face like that is obviously made entirely of stone, thus rendering the physical act of running a complete impossibility.
What is never explained however, is how the Big Boss Soldier can snap a sword in half without wearing gloves and not slice his hand to ribbons. Of such things, true myths endure.
