Showing posts with label Wise Crackers and Gee Wiz. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Wise Crackers and Gee Wiz. Show all posts

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

The Sexiest Men Alive; A Statement of Wavering Male Principle


Surely one of the most welcome consequences to emerge from the #metoo movement will the inevitable demise of the annual People's magazine award to the "Sexiest Man Alive".

Frankly, if they had given it to JFK, Jr. every year and retired it when he departed this vale, no one of either gender would have had a beef over that particular slice of cake.

As for the George's, Brad's and whoever those other guys were, they're nothing but a dim cast of fading movie stars, unworthy of worship and who, let's face it, without makeup, were just a bunch of JAGS (that's Just Another Guy in male parlance).

No dude I know who knows how to stand up ever got a single vote to be the SMA. That's proof positive it's a rigged deck.

Henceforth and from this moment on, let the word go forth from this time and pinpoint place that We the Men of Earth are no longer hankering to be treated as hunky slabs spoiling on the tender hook.

Of course, if They the People wanna reconsider and bestow the honor upon yours truly, I would immediately disavow every word above and say "tough tooties" to the rest of you mugs!

HL 12.13.17

Thursday, May 8, 2014

The Box

The Box
I loved life when I died.  
And all my breathless hopes and dreams
were hammered inside a wooden box
so neat and prim,
holding what was life within.

HL 5/7/14
Addendum in response to inquiries and speculation: This ditty is  intended in fond contemplation of those who have gone before and is in no way autobiographical. In fact, I am enjoying this mortal coil so much that I ain't never leaving! 

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Leaves and Be Gone

The earth spins 365 times and nothing changes. Every year I have 2,786, 242 leaves on my lawn and my neighbor has eleven. I have a leaf blower and he’s not home. It seems only fair to share mine with him. If I spend a few more eons outside the gates of heaven in exchange for an hour more of playtime today... well, I call that rough justice. Hand me my leaf blower and my dancing shoes – I’m blowin’ and I’m gone!


Sunday, November 4, 2012

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Does God Get a Vote?

Does God get a vote?

The latest wave of “all in the name of God” is cresting and poised to drown all infidels.

The groundswell started at the Democratic convention when the word “God” was removed briefly from the party platform as well as the designation of Jerusalem as the capital of Israel. You know, the party platform – those meaningless statements of purpose composed of so called “planks”  that no one pays much attention to unless there are political points to be scored.

President Obama insisted that "God" be put back into the platform along with reference to Jerusalem "to maintain consistency with the personal views expressed by the president and in the Democratic Party platform in 2008." 

This is the final language of the “God” plank: "We need a government that stands up for the hopes, values and interests of working people, and gives everyone willing to work hard the chance to make the most of their God-given potential."

The Jerusalem designation reads: "Jerusalem is and will remain the capital of Israel. The parties have agreed that Jerusalem is a matter for final status negotiations.  It should remain an undivided city accessible to people of all faiths." (Further discussion of this topic is deferred for another time as, after so many acts of barbarism there is as much reason to believe that portion of the planet is truly God forsaken as there is to be believe it remains the Land of Milk and Honey.) 

Meanwhile, on the other side of The Great Divide, Republicans, whose own platform referenced God twelve (12!) times launched its' Greatest Crusade.

Mitt Romney insisted that God created the United States not to be one among many nations, but rather, to to lead the world and that taking the word "God" out of the platform proved that the Democratic party is "veering further and further away into an extreme wing that Americans don't recognize."

A Romney spokesman, Andrea Saul, in a statement, called on "President Obama to state in unequivocal terms whether or not he believes Jerusalem is Israel's capital," which Saul claimed Obama had not done, thereby impinging upon any policy initiative of negotiating a two state solution.

 Romney's vice presidential running mate, Paul Ryan, insisted that the omission of God in the DNC platform was "peculiar" and "is not in keeping with our founding documents, our founding vision."

But the word "God" does not appear in the Constitution.  It appears only once in the Declaration of Independence, which states "the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitles people.  The Declaration also mentions the "Creator" as having bestowed inalienable rights upon us all. That’s all.

So now, both party platforms include the word "God". Isn’t that dandy?  Never mind that according to an ABC/Washington Post poll in March, 63 percent of respondents said political leaders should not rely on their religious beliefs when making policy decisions. When you run for President, God has to be on your side and that means you have to offer Him or Her or Whom or Whatever, the requisite testimonials.

Witness: last December, Romney said, " I know there are some people who would like to make this nation a secular nation, who want to take God out of everything that exists in this country.’  After acknowledging that he was not looking for teachers to have prayer every day in the classroom" he stated that he supported having prayers at "special ceremonies" such as at graduations or football games because “it's appropriate for us to recognize that in the public square." The public square?
Why not the private church, synagogue, mosque or home?

And just when did football games become special occasions requiring prayer?  When Johnny U’s 1958 Colts beat the NY Giants?  When Joe’s ’67 Jets won the Super Bowl? Is Football now our national religion?  (You bet it is).

Most recently, we have descended to the spectacle of Romney denouncing the administrations apparently top secret plan to remove “In God We Trust” from the dime. If you missed the announcement of any plan to do this, so did everyone else in the country, save Romney, who hasn’t actually seen a dime in years.

When did professions of faith in God become a litmus test for one’s political viability anyway?  Was it when Ronald Reagan, the least church going President of modern times, began ending every single speech with the phrase “God Bless the United States of America” that, in itself, a ploy to mollify the Bible Belt conservatives who didn't trust him in the first place. In other words, preying for votes. Since then, it’s been an insidious creeping process, accelerated by the Christian right until now the only way to get elected to high office in this, our land that was made for you and me, is to invoke God as often as possible - to the point of meaninglessness, irrelevance and often, hypocrisy.  Or as the great Mencken would have it, “Deep within the heart of every evangelist lies the wreck of a car salesman.”

Incidentally, or perhaps most crucially, whose God are they invoking? The God of Muhammad or Abraham, Isaac or Jacob? Zeus?  Buddah?  Or is the Christian God the only viable candidate? Can we put it to a vote and have done with it already?

In the end, does God even care? I would have greater faith if I knew the Omnipotent One(s) were tending to more urgent business than who wins our Presidential election, whether our economy recovers or who wins the next war - like saving the rain forests, rescuing vinyl LP’s and making the mosquitoes in my back yard disappear forever.  HL August 2012


Friday, July 13, 2012

And if I should survive to a hundred and five ...

Well, what d’ya know? Another 365 days come and gone. That means I get to recycle my favorite birthday mantra. It goes like this: For every year that I get older, I vow to act another year younger. I still haven’t done the math, but the way I figure it, if I should survive to 105, think of all I’ll derive by arriving at 5! And this is the best part; I’ve got a head start! Penny tax, touching green, no changies!



Monday, April 23, 2012

I Nose Cyrano

I Nose Cyrano

"Falsehood! Prejudice! Compromise! Cowardice! 
What's that? Surrender? No! Never! Never! ... 
Ah, you too, Vanity? 
I knew you would overthrow me in the end. 
No! I fight on! I fight on! I fight on!" 
 Cyrano De Bergerac By Edmond Rostand (b. 1868 d. 1918)


Jose Ferrer as Cyrano



I read of the nose of which we now speak
By repute so awful and twisted a beak.
Yet our hero wielded a rapier so keen
the throats of all villains he slit it seemed.

His wit, it too was sharp as the blade,
To sue for a union of true hearts it did aid.
With verse read tender through the mouth of another,
the heart of Roxanne was his to discover.

Though at end, he lay slain, ‘fore departing he knew,
For him the maiden’s love was won and held true.
And though their lives were forced apart,
Our hero took Roxanne’s sweet heart at depart.

And the lesson for we that gallant Cyrano left
Is the public visage we present by proboscis led,
Is as nothing compared to what we display
Of true hearts and minds at work and play.

HL July, 2010

My Meandering Muse (For Geisel)

My Meandering Muse

My muse has gone missing,
my muse may be gone.
What's left may be mindless,
but mindless is fun.

For pondering upon
portentous thoughts of you
make it so much harder
To shimmy, shake and boogaloo.

No weight on the mind
makes  it funner to discover
sunshine-y giggles
that are great to uncover.

Has my muse wandered off
on mere whimsy I wonder?
Puckish reasons like that
seem so silly and flimsy.

But wait! What’s this news?
It’s not missing or done?
Despite what I thought,
My muse hasn't gone.

It’s merely been off
Roaming over creation;
Seems even a muse
can use a vacation.

Welcome back! Come on in!
Hop back into my dome.
And let’s share a chuckle
Now that my muse has come home!

HL 3/09

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

5000 views are just around the corner!


So.  On December 1, 2011 I started this blog, see.  I did it so that when I was asked if I was a twitter, I could say, “No, I’m a blogger” Since then, I’ve used it as a place to store and share a few of My Favorite Things.  I had no idea whether anyone who would ever see it, but when the views started piling up, I decided that if I could get 5,000 views in five months that would be very groovy.

Then I decided it would be even cooler if I could do it by never posting anything cute or dumb ‘cause I don’t do cute or dumb.  That meant foregoing anything to do with towering talents the stature of Fabian, Troy Donahue, Bobby Sherman, Peter Noone, David Cassidy, Leif Garrett, Debbie Gibson, Menudo, Britney Spears, Justin Beiber, Kardishy whats ’her name, or the Three Stooges.  (I admit to having one Davy Jones post, but that’s mitigated by the presence of Frank Zappa and a cow).

Oh sure, it took some nurturing and tending of the fields and grew in a direction I had not necessarily intended;  more music vids and fewer tales and rants, but the former are faster and easier to prepare than the latter, reading is passé anyway and I do have other games I would like to play before departing this sandbox.

Well, the views really started piling up when the Russians flooded the portals. (Psst! I know what they are looking for, but I can’t tell ya.)  

Boris and Natasha (that’s a hint) were followed by the Chinese, Brits, Germans, French, Aussies, Japanese, and Brazilians as well as Thais, Vietnamese, South Koreans (lifted the embargo in the furtherance of cultural understanding and world peace), Turks and Swedes. As of today, citizens of 62 countries have been lured hither some way or another and for reasons beyond my comprehension or interest. Hey, it’s only about the numbers to me.  

I do want to send a special shout, however, to those citizens of Bunei, Latvia and Gabon who caused me to invest in an Atlas.

This morning, I stand on the crest of the precipice.  Sometime today, a mere 4 ½ months after deciding to embark upon this sky lark, I will welcome my 5,000 visitor.  There are no plans to give away a free IPad, gym membership or a week in my parking space.  Rather, a quiet chuckle followed by a slow paddling away to some slipstream where butterflies and fireflies hover above should suffice.

Thanks to all for stopping by. Thanks to my new very bestest ever friends, The Left Banke for the Left Banke bump!  I’m counting on you. Liechtenstein!

Ps Rawanda wins!

Saturday, April 7, 2012

My Prayer; The Return of The Supplicant


ORIGINALLY SUBMITTED APRIL 1, 2009

Dear Mr. God:

As we know, I have not complained much about getting older. Time has been reasonably kind to me and I am particularly grateful that when I shower and look down, I can still see my toes and other appurtenances, so all praise to you and so on and so forth.

I will admit that while I am often quick to damn (oops!) things when they don’t go my way. On the other hand, you must admit that when I do, I usually have pretty darn ("darn". I said, "darn") good reasons for doing so.