Advice for Substitute Teachers (with apologies to Hey Jude and the other real deals)

I've been reading this teacher v. substitute discipline discussion with some interest having been on both sides of that particular equation, (subbed, taught and worked with specials (a cherished category not relevant to this discussion) and decided to offer some helpful hints. 

First of all , as a substitute teacher, you don’t wanna be loved or liked by students. Kiss of death, that. All you wanna do is get through the day in peace and in one piece. 

So, what you gotta have is technique and a battle plan. First, find out which class has the itchy-twitchys that can screw everything up. 

Then, before they get there, remove both yourself and the metal trash can from the premises. 

Let the l'il devils file in, see? Then, close the door behind 'em - real quiet like ... and the trap is set. 

Next, let the noise grow to an absolutely INSANE CRESCENDO!! Very important, that. Then, you open the door reaaal slooow so's they don't notice you slipping in through the din. 

And just when they are convinced they are the only urchins on their fantasy island, you strike!! 

Grab the trash can (this is where the technique comes in) and toss it way up high to the ceiling and far out into the middle of the room so it lands with a huge "CRASH! BOOM! BANG! That’ll put their quivering little fannies into their seats. 

Then you do your best "Man With No-Name" stride into the room, (Ladies, think Susan Sarandon in anything she was ever in) real slow and deliberate-like with thumbs hooked inside yer belt buckle.

Next, it's real important to let them know that you know they are kids and whoever you may be, you ain’t one of them, so you give ‘em a friendly little welcoming speech like, "Howdy CHILDREN. Plumb nice day!” Delivered with a curled lip Elvis sneer. 

Then you pick up the class list and start reading their names one at a time, all the while lookin’ ‘em dead in the eye, daring one of those little quivering piles of polly-wogs to give you anything other than a “present and accounted for Mr. Stranger, Sir”. 

When you’re done, tell ‘em to get ready for tomorrow’s test, (it doesn’t matter if there is one or not), open your favorite magazine, place your box of Mallomars behind it, so you don’t have to share and start counting down the time and up your loot. 

Hope this helps. If not, Harriet's crayon up the nose has some definite merit.